Being a piece of it all

0:00 / 1:45

One thing I love to do when I'm on my bike and bored, agitated, or pissed at life, is to close my eyes for a second and imagine I am a lonely particle floating somewhere deep in space (yes this is stupid but bear with me).

And I'm out there, further than our solar system, galaxy, or even galaxy clusters. I'm literally just in dark, empty space. And then I just pretend that all I've ever known, my entire life as a particle, was just in this complete nothingness.

Then I slowly open my eyes, only a fuzzy glimpse at first. And I look and see what the first thing I can recognize is. Oh, a leaf!

Well, this is normally pretty standard, boring. It's fall, I see a thousand of them. But then I close my eyes again.

Now imagine YOU ARE this particle in space. You would go nuts over just a piece of that leaf!! Like EVERYTHING you have EVER known is just emptiness, nothing, nada. And now I give you this object that has texture, color, taste, smell. And by definition this thing looks like NOTHING you have ever seen before. 'Cause you literally have just seen NOTHING.

Then I open my eyes fully. And what I see is not just one leaf from one tree of one species. There is all that... somethingness!

Like we didn't just get one tree from one species, we got thousands of leaves from thousands of different types of trees. And all this other stuff. All the types of sidewalks, buildings, cars, people...

There is so much SOMETHING.

And then I am really happy. On my bike. Riding through all this somethingness.

Glad I didn't fall or cause an accident. There is no more awesome feeling than that.

People, we got so much stuff around us that you, if you were that particle, would literally kill for, even if it were just for a tiny piece of leaf.

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Care

0:00 / 3:25

I was recently asked how I found work that I really enjoyed doing, that I was super passionate about.

And my answer quite plainly was: I forced myself to never think of work as a job. Even with money as a practical necessity, I always tried to shake off this notion of just getting a "job". I do want to say that, conscious of my protected and stable upbringing when compared to other parts of the world, this might fail to capture important nuances and might be more aimed towards the people who share this privilege with me. However, I do hope that regardless of your upbringing and background you can find some value in this.

We often forget that jobs were not created for us to have jobs; jobs just kind of came into existence because there was shit to get done and problems to be solved. And along the way of solving it, you got compensated for your effort. Not for the sake of having the job in the first place - that was a nice side effect.

But I feel like we don't see work like that anymore. We work for the sake of working, not for the sake of solving the problem that work was necessary for in the first place. Work is not a means to an end anymore; it is the end.

So how did I find something to actually work on? I simply cared.

I cared enough about a set of problems that I wanted to do something about them.

As a teenager, I was kind of depressed by all the problems people were talking about constantly. Climate change, poverty, all of that stuff. But while we were constantly confronted with these problems, rarely did the conversation focus around actually doing something about them. People learned to care about the problems, but not about the solution. That really bummed me out because how can you ever be optimistic about life if no one's doing something about the things you're worried about in the first place?

The problem is that most of us grew up being told that we can't care because we don't have the right ideas or agency to care. But we do. Most of the stuff around you was thought of by people with brains not that different from yours. Your ideas matter, if you just make them worth caring about.

So even though there is all this shit we are facing, there still is something worth living for in spite of that. There is something to care about. Life is worth caring about, and making sure life gets better.

So what I did is essentially decide that the best way out of this nihilism is to find my set of problems I deeply cared about and the solutions I wanted to see exist, push forward, and rally behind, which I did and now still do.

So if you struggle finding meaning in your work or something to do in the first place, look for something which makes life worth caring about. Things that you deeply care about. What problems move you? What do you want to get better at? Find a set of topics or people or things you deeply care about, you want to be better at, you want to help solve.

And then find the work that would be required to protect them from the problems threatening them, things required to come closer to a solution for these problems. And then just do it. That's work. And the job title or the position is just something secondary to that that emerges from that.

Care, and something to get done will follow.

Care, and work and a job and resources will follow.

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Action

0:00 / 4:32

When I said that "care and something to get done will follow" I really meant it. But I did leave out a little nuance. Actually getting things done is absolutely, insanely notoriously difficult. Let me explain why:

Let's imagine you found something you want to work on, so your next thought likely is "What is the next step I can do now so that I can actually start to work on this set of things I care about?"

Now here is where things get hard. Let's go back a year in time: Last year I realised that from the moment when I first found the things I wanted to work on, to the present day, some five years later, I didn't feel a single step closer to a solution than I was when I first started imagining it. I thought, hmmm that's weird, since I had been literally thinking 24/7 nonstop about this set of problems from the moment I started caring.

What I slowly realised is, that my thinking or what better should be called my ruminating, had been an awfully convenient excuse for me to feel like I was DOING something. But the difference between thinking and ruminating is that rumination only ever gets you closer to another thought, never an action.

It was a really good excuse for feeling productive but not actually being productive. There was nothing tangible "produced" out of my thinking. But I had this feeling that if I just sat on a problem for long enough, the perfect solution would just pop out of my head.

I was looking for a single elegant, sexy solution to a set of complex, dynamical problems.

Life doesn't consist out of sexy solutions. What life actually is, is a series of duct taped solution along the way to the sexy one. One cannot simply skip to the 101st step when not even having taking the first one. It is very difficult to predict life that accurately in your head, no matter how hard you try. Trust me, I really did not want to face this, but don't let rumination trick you. Thinking is sexy, doing things will always be messy.

Essentially, I was stuck in a never-ending incubation process of the perfect idea.

But compound action and iteration beats perfectionism every single time. Because the one incentives you to do something, while the other will only ever tell you that you or the world are not ready, qualified, or smart enough... quite yet. If you want the things you care about to turn into reality, then there's no way around engaging with reality.

The irony is that while all of this was happening, I happened to get an actual external opportunity to work on some of the things I care about. Dembrane, a company I had reached out to some time ago, responded and gave me the chance to work with them on building tools to aid participation in democracy. Being persistent with passion worked out that time.

However, it was awfully hard to commit to it - to say yes. Because it was scary. It was outside my comfort zone. And because I realised that every time things got a tiny bit inconvenient, like in this case, I tended to return right to my thoughts - ruminating about life rather than living it.

I was so scared to "fail" or not be perfect in my pursuit of solving the problems I care about, that I refused to actually just do something to get there.

I was letting my ego get in the way of committing to my work, actually putting the process of solving the problems first, not the need for elegant solutions I can identify myself with.

So I said yes to the job. And also yes to all the scary stuff - Me being faced with the awful reality that my actual tangible day-to-day skillset mismatched massively with the perceived quality of all these thoughts I had had about myself.

It turns out however, that dealing with this scary stuff is easier once it's actually real and not just the result of an excessive train of thought about what it could have been. Remember - you can't predict reality that well.

So in confrontation with my scarcity of action and abundance of thought, I grew, learned, failed - but I was DOING all of that - and finally not just thinking about it.

Now, a general rule of thumb for my life has become to think one less thought per day, and as plainly put by a very good friend of mine: "whenever you are thinking, do something instead."

So once you find these things to care about, don't let your thoughts stop you from getting things done. If you are like me, they will always have something to criticise either way.

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Why

0:00 / 5:35

Sometime last year I let go off many of the support structures I had relied on for most of my life for all the wrong reasons. I was in the process of working up a lot of difficult things about my childhood - old wounds, wrong beliefs and so on. Around the same time, I had the pleasure of working in an environment where we were left with a lot of freedom on what we wanted to work on and how we wanted to be useful in the company.

This and the removal of these early childhood introjections made me think quite a bit about my personal & professional identity. At this point, work had become an important part of my life, but defining a clear role proved to be a bit challenging for me.

I always approached work from a very idealistic perspective. As you may have already read in some of my other blogs—and to use some of the overly generous words from my coworkers—the basis for what I do has always originated from a love and care for life and all living things.

This strong passion sometimes made it difficult to fit myself and all the energy that came with it into a corporate title or into frameworks that are part of corporate life. When I did, I felt like I was betraying the source of meaning that was driving it all. I simply didn't feel like 'just a designer' or 'just a researcher.' I always wanted to do everything all at once. More often than not, my passion paralysed me to an extent where I became incapable of doing anything to begin with.

The only thing that stayed consistent as my identity shifted and my new sense of self grew was the why behind it all, which is what I want to share in this little blog.

What I'm going to explain is a belief that has been with me since all the way back to when I turned seventeen. It's a form of mantra that life ingrained deeply into my being through all its ups and downs. To this day - as cheesy and naive as it may sound - I find it difficult to imagine myself without it.

The story goes something like this:

When I was just about to turn seventeen, a lot of bad things happened to me and especially to someone very close to me - pretty horrible things on a regular basis. Being so young, it really messed with the way I saw the world. During a time where most people get to explore themselves and the world around them, my days were spent worrying about what bad thing was going to happen next.

I somewhat knew at the time that life simply couldn't be filled with so much bad stuff. Especially not happening to a single person in such a short amount of time. I guessed that we were just unlucky and that my perception of life must have been extraordinarily skewed by this series of shitty events.

However, my ability to rationalise it away didn't change the fact that I was still left with this overwhelming feeling of us being surrounded by a kind of darkness. The usual sources of happiness, like friends, family, or other things, simply were not bright enough to distract from the things happening around us. Before all eventually turned for the better, 17-year-old me came pretty close to losing all joy in living, fragile as I was back then.

Even though I knew that all the other positive things in my life never left me, they didn't work anymore and I needed something different to pull me out of this state of despair and pessimism. It was the only time in my life where I felt that if things didn't change quickly, at some point even I would have not a single ounce of hope or optimism left in my body.

At the time, one of the rare things to distract me from the bad reality of everyday life was the fact that everything around me, all of the things that made my shitty days a little bit more bearable, were built by people no different from me. That gave me hope - this thought that in one way or another so many people out there were trying really hard to make life a little bit better in their tiny corner of the world. They were doing things that make the difficult times a little easier to bear for all of us.

So young and idealistic as I was, I decided there and then that I would spend the rest of my life joining whoever's out there in trying to help solve difficult problems affecting many people, and in doing so hopefully creating beautiful and meaningful things along the way.

I thought that if we could pour all our love, passion, and care into building things that truly work and solve some of the problems we're all facing, we kind of create this little light. And we create it not only for ourselves but maybe for all the other people out there affected by the same problem.

And maybe even someday, another seventeen-year-old going through a dark phase in life might just stumble across this thing that we built many years later. And without ever needing to know who built it or why it was made, it just so happens to come into their life at the right time, that it not only solves their problem, but that they also sense all this care and passion that went into it. And if we are really lucky, it turns into a source of light helping them a little through dark times. Just as it did for me.

This thought has not left me since and it has become one of the most consistent sources of joy, meaning, and happiness in my life. It not only got me out of my own darkness but also became a compass that has since guided my personal and professional decisions. - It is my why.

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To us Polarised

0:00 / 4:13

I kinda have to be honest, for some reason I've been a little saddened by the news in the past few weeks. - More than usual. Not by anything particular, but just because it seems that some things happening on national levels are making us drift apart more and more, without us even having to do anything to contribute. It seems like some people really like us to stay polarised if not make it even worse, without solving any of your or my problems. So, keeping that in mind, I thought i'd just share a few things with all of you out there.

To those reading this blog and to those possibly affected by my work in the future:

First (and especially to those at what some might call the very opposite sides of my beliefs) - I don't know what you're feeling right now, but I am sorry if in these times you are also as angry, frustrated, annoyed,… as I am, maybe for very different reasons.

At the end of the day, I would probably do you and your situation an injustice by saying I can relate to what you're going through in your life, as much as I wish I could.

But even in all this polarisation everyone's talking about, there's one thing I hope you and I both get to learn: That there's one thing that will always connect us no matter the times. The fact that we both know what it means to be happy, angry, sad... or whatever emotion you and I, separated by different life situations, might be feeling right now.

I may not always do what you believe is the right thing to do. I may not always share your opinion on certain topics and issues, and I might even argue harshly against your stance. I will, however, always be connected with you through at least some of the emotions that might be driving you - be it anger, fear, sadness, joy or else.

Who knows, maybe we might even be feeling the same emotion while believing completely opposite things.

You and I both know what it feels like to be sad.

You and I both know what it feels like to lose someone or something.

And you and I both hopefully know what it means to be happy, to laugh, or even to love someone dearly.

You and I are likely separated by very different life circumstances and experiences right now.

But to those life experiences that shaped who we are and especially to those that didn't need to be this way, that really could have been different, better, easier…

Let's work on those.

Why not try, each in our own little way and maybe even together one day, to leave this world in a better place than we found it - not just for you, not just for me, but for as many of us as possible, where possible.

And because I know some might be thinking "isn't that exactly what our world leaders think they're doing right now?" Yes - they probably are convinced that what they're doing is making the world better for their people or even everyone out there.

So to you and I - let's at least agree to do this a bit differently. That whatever we do - we will do so in way where we not only voice our disagreements about methods or directions we two have, but also always vouch for the uncontestably human nature of the other side's actions. This is a choice. And one I very much hope see you taking.

Because, I feel more certain than ever that this is the only way. If we can not get to the point, where after an argument we are not even capable of acknowledging the human nature of whoever we believe to be arguing against - If we cannot highlight the other side's uncontestably human nature, then we dehumanise not only them but also ourselves and dishonour those important to us. It does not matter whether you are religious, spiritual or whatever - This is the least bit of human decency we should have left.

This is the very first step of failure in your and my quest in making the future truly happy, healthy and secure for the people who matter most to each of us.

Because at the end of the day no matter what choices we might make in our lives, there are things that will always connect us whether we like it or not: The fact that we all know what anger, fear, sadness, love and happiness feels like.

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